[Beowulf 2.0] Chapter 1: Beowulf vs. Grendel

Many years ago, before analog TV had been fully replaced by digital, there was a store. It had been built by Jim Haroldson, but his friends called him ‘Hrothgar.’

            The store was tens, nay, dozens of yards long, and it was the only one in the city.

            It was known as Sam’s Club, and many unimportant people passed through its doors each day.

            But one day, an angry Swedish amputee named Grendel, stealer of free samples, appeared.

            “So many samples!” he said. “Cheese and taco shells! Diet drinks and yogurt! Cream puffs and beef jerky! All for me!”

            He went over to the first sample cart, took the entire tray of cheese cubes, and shoved them all in his mouth.

            “Mmfgruffcrubbl,” he said, spraying crumbs over the employee.

            “Swedish filth!” the employee shouted. “You evil nosher of cheap dairy products! I’ll report you to management!”

            The employee ran to Hrothgar and said, “Mr. Haroldson, there’s a Swede with a prosthetic arm eating all the samples!”

            “What?!” Hrothgar exclaimed. “We’ll go bankrupt!”

            “What do we do?!” screamed a temp.

            Then a random underling of Hrothgar said, “I’ve heard tell of an employee of great strength who works in the flower department on the weekends. Maybe he could stop the Swede.”

            “What is his name?” asked Hrothgar, sweat forming on his brow.

            “His name is Bob, but we know him as Beowolf, sorter of pansies.”

            “Then we shall have to send him a message. We can only hope he is able to stop the Swede before he bankrupts us.”

            The weekdays passed, and each day Grendel ate more and more of the store’s stock. Then, on Friday, all the customers of the store were scared away by the monstrous man, and he had full control of the Sam’s Club.

            “Stupid Americans! No one is a match for me!” he said.

            Then Saturday came, and Beowolf awoke in his mother’s basement to the sound of his mom calling him.

            “Bobby! Your manager is on the phone!”

            Beowolf entered the kitchen wearing only his boxer shorts.

            “Bob who is called Beowolf,” Hrothgar said when Beowolf took the phone, “I am Jim who is called Hrothgar, and we need you to purge our Sam’s Club of the Swedish menace called Grendel.”

            “What’s in it for me?” Beowolf asked.

            “You’ll get a bonus and a promotion to cereal sorter,” Hrothgar said.

            “I’ll be right there,” Beowolf said as he hung up.

            Beowolf dressed in his uniform, and drove to the Sam’s Club. The parking lot was empty.

            Beowolf parked his truck and straightened his name tag. He buttoned the top two buttons on his shirt and made sure his pants were crease free. He put on a visor, and entered the store.

            Once inside, he set up a bunch of sample carts, and waited for the Swede.

            He didn’t have long to wait; soon the automatic doors opened, and Beowolf hid in a display of yogurt boxes.

            He saw the monstrous Swede approach the first cart. He grabbed the tray of fish-tacos, and gobbled them up in one go.

            Then the monster approached the yogurt…

            Suddenly, Beowolf sprang from his hiding place and head butted the Swede in the stomach, sending him flying.

            “Who are you?” asked Grendel as he got up.

            “I, foul consumer of free goods, am Beowolf!” Beowolf exclaimed. “And I want you to leave!”

            The Swede’s answer was to grab Beowolf and throw him in the toy aisle.

            Beowolf skidded to stop and lay on his back, looking up at the monster.

            Grendel kicked Beowolf in the head, stunning him. Then he put his foot on Beowolf’s neck and began to choke him.

            “This is the end!” Beowolf thought.

            Suddenly something caught his eye. It was a foam Nerf sword that had fallen when Beowolf had been thrown into the aisle.

            The grabbed it and thought, “Oh you blessed, heaven-sent Swede whacker, save me!”

            Then he threw it at Grendel’s face, and it hit him in the eye.

            Grendel screamed in pain and rage. “My eye! You hurt my eye!”

            Grendel stumbled backwards, and Beowolf grabbed his prosthetic arm and began pulling it.

            “No!” Grendel screamed. “Stop that!”

            Then, with a final ‘pop’ the arm came free in Beowolf’s hand.

            Beowolf stood and watched as Grendel got to his feet.

            “You stole my arm!” Grendel exclaimed.

            Beowolf slapped him across the face with it.

            “Be gone!” he said, pointing at the door with the arm.

            As the monster left, Hrothgar and the employees came running in.

            “He’s gone,” Beowolf said. “Here is the proof.”

            Beowolf handed Hrothgar the arm.

            “We hang this in the employees’ lounge!” Hrothgar exclaimed, “next to the picture of the new employee of the month, Beowolf!”

            The employee’s cheered, glad that peace had returned to Sam’s Club.

            Meanwhile, Grendel stumbled into his Saab that waited in the parking lot. He got in the passenger door and said, “Some impudent flower sorter stole my arm.”

            He looked at the even stronger Swede that sat behind the steering wheel.

            “Don’t worry,” said the other Swede. “I’ll get your revenge.”

            “Thanks, mom,” Grendel replied…